Turbo Lover (Or, “Valentine’s Day for Metal-heads”)

It’s nothing new that Valentine’s Day has got to be the least “metal” holiday (though, I guess Arbor Day isn’t much better).  But some of us head-bangers and moshers have managed to find somebody to love without paying by the hour or doing anything illegal (this includes your three hosts).  And for those lucky lovers, finding the right music to act as a soundtrack to this day of romance can be difficult when your iTunes is filled to the brim with music that is mostly about death, destruction and chaos.  That is where we come in.

Well, actually, we had a little help on this one.  Brian’s fiancee, Kaitlyn, browsed through his iTunes to pick some songs she thought could make a great “I love you” mix tape or mane set the mood tonight while you are sitting down to the candlelight dinner you slaved over all day while your significant other was at school/work/mandatory community service/etc.  Hell, Kait even tells you why she picked them!  She could not have made this any easier for you sorry saps!

Top Metal Valentine Songs* by Kaitlyn

*Please note, I based this list solely on the titles… b/c who can listen to this stuff?!

“Sodomy and Lust” by Cradle of Filth [the basis for any solid relationship]

 “Grinder” by Rumpelstiltskin Grinder [I think this song (and band, actually) sounds like a sex position… and ask any sorority girl, sex means he loves you….]

“Skip the Break Up Get to the Make Up” by  Killwhitneydead. [GREAT advice for when you inevitably forget Valentine’s Day and the required candy/flowers/reservations/stuffed animal]

“Dirty Gore Whore” by Autopsy [a good pet name alternative to “Honey” or “Baby”]

“Nailed Through Her Cunt” by Aborted [not subtle… but descriptive…]

“Cannabalistic Postclimax Flesh Consumption” by Putridity [awww]

[Dear Women Everywhere,] “Servants to Their Knees” by Abysmal Dawn [Love, Dudes]

“Dick to Mouth Resuscitation”  by Agoraphobic Nosebleed [Legal Disclaimer: this is not an actual life saving technique]

“Lips And Assholes” by Cattle Decapitation [this one is open to interpretation… could be one girl’s thoughts on her ex-boyfriend/guy who forgot V-day… or it could be meaning to put the words together….]


Honorable Mentions in Particular Valentine-y Categories:

Gift Idea For Her: “Meticulous Invagination” by Aborted [little known fact: this is the technical term for vajazzling. Not as brutal anymore,  huh boys?]

Gift Idea For Him: “Drive By Blowjob on a Bicycle” by Agoraphobic Nosebleed [impressive and thoughtful]

Alone?: “Mighty Masturbator” by Devin Townsend Project [kinda self explanitory]

Single Ladies: “I am Just One Girl, I Can’t Fuck the Whole World” by Killwhitneydead. [Hint: Try Harder]

Hints You are Doing this Love Thing Incorrectly:

“Splattered Cavities” by Carcass

“Love Lost In a Hail of Gunfire” by Bleeding Through


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